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Feb. 16th, 2014

So I was going good for a while.  I got my thoughts down on "paper" and I felt better.  I honestly did.  And now...not so much.

How do you tell your parents you think your depression is coming back when they told you flat out that it doesn't exist.  I'm no longer practicing because I love it.  I practice because I'm scared of was Yvonne will do to me.  I'm scared of what will happen if I don't practice.  Lord knows I'm terrible at sight-reading, so I can't even fake it.

My friend is going through a breakup.  They ended things on wednesday after six months.  He lied to her throughout the entire relationship.  She's mad with us, sweet and sappy with him.  It's getting on all of our nerves.  So her and I were talking about how her roommate keeps calling him evil and mean and dissing him, and she doesn't like it.  I said that I was on her roommates side of things after seeing how he treated her poorly.  She said that's fine, but don't expect me to move on so quickly since it's only been a week.  I said no ones expecting her to move on, yada yada yada, and then she said that because I was expecting the breakup, it couldn't have hurt.

I just can't.  She has no idea how much it hurt to end things with him.  The only reason why I didn't break down into tears afterwards is because I was all out from the previous week.  And the only reason why the following days I seemed happy was because I was too busy to do anything but pretend.  I didn't have time to cry and wallow in misery.  And when I got back home, it wasn't much better either.  But it hurt so much, more than I think I've ever been able to admit to anyone.  I loved him with all of my being, and not being with him crushes me.  Now I'm not talking about who he is now (that person disgusts me), I'm talking about the person I fell in love with two years ago.  I'm talking about the person who listened to me and made me smile and went out of his way for me.  The person who made me feel beautiful and strong and loved.  The person who made me feel like someone gave a shit about me.  Not the person he is now, because he just made me feel like shit.

How dare she tell me it didn't hurt.  I gave him everything, he was my first for everything, and she has the gall to tell me it didn't hurt after ending a two and a half year relationship.  On top of hurting me with her words, she also reminded me of just how much it hurts to not be with him.  It still doesn't feel right not calling him and talking to him at night.  It doesn't feel right not texting him random things during the day or sharing little tidbits.  It hurts like there is a hole in me now, and she wants to tell me it didn't hurt.  While I'm healing, it still hurts so bad.  It still feels like a scar or a stab, and she's just picked at it and reopened a sealed wound.

I'm still ready to move on. I want to get back out there now and meet new people, but it still hurts.  It hurts not being able to see a future with him, something I'd seen for two years.

Just spoke with my RA about everything and we're going to have a meeting with her.  This just isn't okay and it's really hurting me and I'm so glad that not only Tinamarie knows, but also that I'm going to be able to talk with her about everything and know that she will listen to me and this will be solved.

I really hope everything fixes itself...

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February 2014