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Feb. 16th, 2014

So I was going good for a while.  I got my thoughts down on "paper" and I felt better.  I honestly did.  And now...not so much.

How do you tell your parents you think your depression is coming back when they told you flat out that it doesn't exist.  I'm no longer practicing because I love it.  I practice because I'm scared of was Yvonne will do to me.  I'm scared of what will happen if I don't practice.  Lord knows I'm terrible at sight-reading, so I can't even fake it.

My friend is going through a breakup.  They ended things on wednesday after six months.  He lied to her throughout the entire relationship.  She's mad with us, sweet and sappy with him.  It's getting on all of our nerves.  So her and I were talking about how her roommate keeps calling him evil and mean and dissing him, and she doesn't like it.  I said that I was on her roommates side of things after seeing how he treated her poorly.  She said that's fine, but don't expect me to move on so quickly since it's only been a week.  I said no ones expecting her to move on, yada yada yada, and then she said that because I was expecting the breakup, it couldn't have hurt.

I just can't.  She has no idea how much it hurt to end things with him.  The only reason why I didn't break down into tears afterwards is because I was all out from the previous week.  And the only reason why the following days I seemed happy was because I was too busy to do anything but pretend.  I didn't have time to cry and wallow in misery.  And when I got back home, it wasn't much better either.  But it hurt so much, more than I think I've ever been able to admit to anyone.  I loved him with all of my being, and not being with him crushes me.  Now I'm not talking about who he is now (that person disgusts me), I'm talking about the person I fell in love with two years ago.  I'm talking about the person who listened to me and made me smile and went out of his way for me.  The person who made me feel beautiful and strong and loved.  The person who made me feel like someone gave a shit about me.  Not the person he is now, because he just made me feel like shit.

How dare she tell me it didn't hurt.  I gave him everything, he was my first for everything, and she has the gall to tell me it didn't hurt after ending a two and a half year relationship.  On top of hurting me with her words, she also reminded me of just how much it hurts to not be with him.  It still doesn't feel right not calling him and talking to him at night.  It doesn't feel right not texting him random things during the day or sharing little tidbits.  It hurts like there is a hole in me now, and she wants to tell me it didn't hurt.  While I'm healing, it still hurts so bad.  It still feels like a scar or a stab, and she's just picked at it and reopened a sealed wound.

I'm still ready to move on. I want to get back out there now and meet new people, but it still hurts.  It hurts not being able to see a future with him, something I'd seen for two years.

Just spoke with my RA about everything and we're going to have a meeting with her.  This just isn't okay and it's really hurting me and I'm so glad that not only Tinamarie knows, but also that I'm going to be able to talk with her about everything and know that she will listen to me and this will be solved.

I really hope everything fixes itself...

Writing: Protection

Chapter: 1/?? (chapter titles got messed up, but novel is fully written)

Character POV: Evelyna

Length: a bit over 7K

Rating: PG/PG-13 (mature themes, including death and minor language)

Summary: Evelyna lost her mother at eleven.  Now, turning seventeen, her mothers favorite necklace is shattering her world and her life.  Thrust in a new world where she is the only thing that stands between the humans and vampires, she quickly discovers who her friends truly are, and exactly who her enemies are.
Nicole was best friends with Evelyna since elementary school.  A few months after Evelyna turns seventeen, it is now Nicole's own birthday.  After a shocking surprise from her mother, Nicole is thrust into a world of quick changes and faces the loss of her mother; all because of a dark secret that is just as life-altering as Evelyna's are. 
What are the two girls to do, everything they once knew now false, everything they once believed in, now unbelievable and everything they once thought part of nightmares suddenly becomes true as the death of Evelyna's mother?

Link: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2781249/1/Protection

Updated every tuesday evenings between 8 and 9PM eastern standard time.

Please comment either here or on the site (I do accept anonymous comments in both places).  Thank you for reading!


OK I dont have a working Word on my laptop and my muse wants me to write so I write.

Think Julius Caesar (the play) (warning SPOILERS!) (kinda sorta not really...).  Imagine Act 4/5, The mob is hunting down Brutus and Brutus now has a daughter in her teens (yeah yeah, I know, she wasn't mentioned at all in the rest of the play, and I don't even know if he had one in real life, but as of now HE HAS A DAUGHTER!!) lol  OK so thats about all you need to know.

The Tragedy of Brutus

Passing through the hall, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, through the large window, a gathering of light was coming from the distance.  I tried to peer closer, to see what on Earth it could be, when suddenly my arm was yanked and I was pulled back.  I turned my head in alarm and yelled as I saw one of the servants trying to usher me further down the hallway.
"Come!  You must come!  There is no time to explain, but you must come with me!  Immediately, your father, Brutus, orders it!"  The servant had a panicked look and for a moment I almost refused to go before he again grabbed my arm and began pulling me the opposite way down the hall, towards the great stairs.  "Persephone, please!  You must come with me!"
Reluctantly, I began to allow myself to be pulled wherever this servant wished me to go, but I made sure to speak with Father about this; there was no way he would allow something like this to happen without explanation.
As I was pondering this, I saw my Father running frantically.  I took one glance at the servant before I yanked my arm free and began chasing him.  "Father!"  I yelled in his wake.  He jumped and turned around.  His face was ghost pale and his eyes were wide with fear.  Grabbing my shoulders, he quickly said in an anxious voice, "Persephone, dear Persephone, you must go, leave!  Do not follow me again!  Remember child, I love you."  In a rush he kissed by forehead then began running away from me and the servant.  I ran after him again, ignoring his warning and the servants cries.
"What do you mean?" I yelled back at him.
"Go!"  he yelled.  "Persephone," he said as he turned around.  Looking anxiously out the window, he gulped.  I followed his eyes and saw the gathering of light had gotten closer, much closer.  In the near silence, I heard angry shouts coming from it and with a sickening heart, I realized what it was.  But why was an angry mod chasing after my father?  Turning back to me, he said in a rush, "Follow the servant, do what he tells you to do.  I'm sorry, my sweet, but you must do as I say."  I glanced over my shoulder and saw the servant.  He looked just as frantic as my father, and kept glancing from me to the mob nearly outside our door.  The shouting was getting louder, and I saw that they were all running towards the front door.  Soon the first ones in front would be banging down our door in search of something, most like the man before me.
"What happened?  Why is there a mob at our front door?" I yelled, half not wanting to know the answer.
"Not now, he said, grabbing my arms and trying to turn me around.
"Yes now," I said back.  He couldn't possibly expect me to leave him with an angry mob at our front door, ready to tear apart our home, without a good explanation as to why.
"Persephone, please," he said.  In response I glared at him.  Finally he sighed and said, "Follow me, but do not make a sound.  If you wish to hear from my own mouth, you will be risking your life.  Dammit."
I gulped and nodded as we quickly took off down the hall.  Moments later I heard the shouting and a loud bang.  I knew in that instant that this was the last conversation my father and I would have together.  It sent shivers down my spine, but I pushed them down and willed myself to run faster.
We ran to Father's private study.  He hardly ever allowed guests in there, and I had been there only once before, when my engagement was announced, nearly a year ago.  The room itself hadn't changed, but the atmosphere surrounding it had indeed.  It was now filled with terror and faint yelling from the distance.  I prayed that it would be a whilebefore the found us.
"Now Persephone, Julius Caesar got murdered today.  Murdered, my dear child, in part by myself.  Antony, I believe, has told a fair share of lies or has stretched the truth so Caesar looks the only victim in this tale.  And that mob?  They are after me, they are after revenge.  Now you must leave!  The servant will be just outside the door.  Go with him and do as he says.  And remember, you are innocent in this, no matter what anyone accuses you of.  You may be a girl, but you were born from a wealthy family and you are going into another wealthy family.  While I may not be there for you, know that your mother always will and that we both love you dearly.  Now run!"  I absorbed his words, most likely his last, and began running out the door.  My hand was on the handle when I heard a shout just outside it, perhaps a few feet away. 
 "Look there!"  the man shouted.  "There is a servant!  He is there!"  As a group, I heard the bone-chilling chant they were shouting.  "Kill!  Kill! Kill!"  I turned to my father as he was running to me.
"Under the desk!" He said in a hushed tone.  "Say nothing and move not.  You must stay hidden!  Slip out as soon as you can, but do not get noticed!  I pray that servant boy remains safe..."
I ran to the desk and went beneath it, gathering my skirts around me so I was as compact as possible.  In a second the door opened with a bang.  I heard shouting coming from the rioting men.  Clenching my fists over my ears and closing my eyes tight, I tried to block them out, to pretend this was only a dream, nothing more.
If it's only a dream, then why do you feel pain, a voice inside me said.  I gasped as I realized my nails were digging into my hands.  In the middle of this, a hand clasped over my mouth.  I screamed and jumped, bumping my head in the process.  I turned my head to see who it was and saw it was the servant.  He must have pretended to be a member of the mob too.  Lets pray he only pretended to, too.
He put his index finger to his mouth, indicating for me to hold my tongue and I nodded.  With quiet stepped, he brought me out from under the desk.  As my head lifted and I saw him, I immediately ran around the desk.  "Father!" I screamed as I saw them surrounding him, tearing him apart.  His clothes were torn to pieces and there were deep gashes and burns covering him, yet he held his tongue as silent tears rolled down his face.
As my cry, his eyes opened and he looked to be in more pain than he was before.  Silently, through his eyes I saw him trying to tell me to leave.  But I couldn't, not with him left to die by the mob, for them to torture him more.  I tried to run up to him, to help him, but a set of strong hands help me back.  With tears running down my face and my whole body shaking, I cried out for him, yelled for the mobbers to stop, to forgive a kind man, but they ignored my cries.  Suddenly one of the members of the mob pulled out a glistening, silver sword.  With sickening realization, I saw who it was.  Antony.  The evil bastard.  "No!" I screamed as he punctured my father's heart with it.  Limbly I fell to the ground, the edges of my world blackening as my head hit the floor.
Over the din of all the chaos caused by the mob, I vaguely heard Antony say quietly, "And I shall leave your dear daughter here to weep for your death the exact same way you left me to weep and mourn for Caesar.  Yes, revenge feels sweet."  With that Antony walked over to me and my world went black.


valentines day wishes...

Happy valentines day bb

I've got my permit....I suck at driving XD
Noni's cookies are fucking amazing, even two months after shipped....hahaha
GS cookie time...my mom wants me to see all of our cookies at school which pisses me off cuz I dont want to deal with that, plus I LOVE our cookies.
I miss my dahling...but I'll hopefully be seeing her for a month this summer!!
Achieved straight A's quarter 2 which is awesome.  Midterms weren't so hot, but thats alright.  Semester grades were overall pretty good.  My lowest grade was a B+
Picked classes for next year... I plan on taking French IV H, English 11 H, Pre calc H, American History II H, Concert Band H, 1960's H, Chemistery CP, Photo 3, Music Theory and yoga plus exit 51, music lesson and possibly best buddies...Craziness next year!! haha but thats alright cuz I'll survive
I haz a new laptop...it's an acer 5532 and it is awesome :)  The only thing I dont like about it is that it only has a touchpad and that windows 7 is kind of a fail...but thats alright cuz everything else is awesome
I haz a new ipod :)  Green nano fourth gen (the ones without cameras)
I can play alto saxamaphone now :)  I suck at it, but thats alright
Thinking about learning Oboe too...Okeefe says we need more and we've got teachers...Oboes on my list of instruments to learn too....or maybe french horn...Okeefe REALLY wants more french horn players...and bassoon, but I don't really want to learn bassoon....idk I'll figure it out.  Maybe I can borrow an oboe during the summer from masco then get together with brooke weekly and have her teach me some stuff...Then come fall I could play!  That would be nice...plus it'd be coole to be able to play it too.  I'd still love flute and all, but idk...maybe....I may just love flute too much...Maybe I could decide on the song?  Hahahaha I'll just have to pick and choose I suppose...still take flute lessons for sure, that way I'll still be playing.  And get the band music for flute, that way I can still play the band stuff.  We'll see is all I can say I suppose...
I have a new bed now.  It's...used, to put it nicely....but I'll be able to sit on my bed which will be nice...
Paige is back in school and seems to be doing a thousand times better...I'm so happy for her...she's been through lots of shit, and when I find out who put her through all that pain and misery, I swear to god I will kill them kick their asses.  No one hurts my friends, especially not as much as they hurt her.
Relay stuff is coming along...it's still kinda crazy but...idk...it's a work in progress.  Plus relay is at masco now so it's gonna be so much better :)
Ok well time for ice cream!  Woot lots of yumminess!! :)

Writer's Block: Love on LiveJournal

Have you ever had a crush on another LiveJournal user? If so, did you confess your feelings? What happened?

Oh I totally confessed my love to someone...she is my vb and I am her platapus <3 hahaha LUV YA DAHLING!!!!! ;D


Alrighty so I've got some GREAT news for you all!!
I BE A NANOWRIMO WINNER!!! And that automatically makes me awesome :)

The chieftains are going to the superbowl and that means I get to go to play at THE GILLETTE STADIUM!! I'm uber excited for that :)

I've driven 5 times on the road (4/5 from masco to my house, 1/5 around my neighborhood...it may be small, but I'm happy)...That's exciting, but I feel...in control, almost powerful I guess? Just....odd....mature maybe? (I know, I said the M-word...) But either way I kinda love it :)

PEP BAND!!!!!!!!!!! <3

NANOWRIMO!!!!!! <3

ALLY DOYLE!!!!!!! <3



okay so nano is going good...ish....I should be writing over in word instead of here, but thats alright...

my birthday was amazing. I had family over and I got over $300 from them (half of which went to my ipod, $50 was a gift card to amazon so that is in the process of being used and the rest I payed for dinner with my friends which will be paid back either in cash, in my back account, or for drivers ed). Of course, I then went to the mall twice in a row yesterday (not for black friday sales) to hang out with some of my bestest friends ever (ALLY!!!!!! and jules and annie on friday and I hung out with stephy saturday) and saw new moon twice with them (both times we mad jokes about how bella gets rejected twice ["Oooh you just got REJECTED"] and how everyone with red eyes and bella look like they're on crack and it was fun!
My actual birthday went fantastically. My dad made me a warm breakfast at 6AM!!!! That totally made my entire day right there!! Then after school I got my permit which was awesome!! I didn't get any driving in, but it was still super exciting!! I have a liscense number!!! :D woot thats exciting!! Then I went to marshall's to get two bras cuz my bewbies be too big for my old one (so now I have...four bras that fit and several that do not....). After that we went to Sam and Joe's and I got chicken parm with shells and omg.....it was mouth watering....positively the best chicken parm I have ever had (and I've had lots--believe me--cuz it's my favorite dish of all time). Absolutely amazing.
Then we went back to my house and I got PRESENTS!!!! I got a red, regular sized mug (so I dont have to carry that rediculous sippy cup any more, as my mother calls it), HUGE pocky (and when the japanese use the word giant, they do indeed mean giant), and two sets of PJ's (and they are adult XL's when I'm an adult M....fail mom and dad, fail!). Also, when my mom was three months pregnant with me, she got a gold and diamond ring to celebrate that I was still alive (she had a miscarriage before me). When I was in second or third grade she got that ring altered and there were two extra diamonds, which she had made into earings. It was one of my presents too...they look positively stunning. I could not have asked for a better present from her.
So a week passed and then I had my sweet sixteen! Sam, steph, courtney and Elise were the only ones who could make it (out of 8...), but it was soooooo much fun!! When everyone got here, we went to burtucci's and had an awesome dinner (which is where the rest of my bday money went). We then went around the mall and hung out and stuff. We even went to this soap store that had a happy pill soad...legit...haha. We then went to saffora (make up store) and went to the back of the store by the Dylan's candie's section and smelled a ton of different things, including this chocolate frosting body "Frosting" that almost made my puke it smelled to bad, and some solid purfume that smelled awesome!! haha it was fun!
we then went to forever 21 and tried on a ton of slutty dresses (steph looked amazing in one dress, whereas my ass looked HUGE or my boobs were too big to get fully zipped up) and it was awesome :)
When we went home, we had funfetti cake with whipped, white frosting and it was....omg.....positively amazing....I absolutely LOVED it!! I wish I had gotten a picture!! I'm sure my parents did...haha I'll have to snag it from them!! We then opened mooooore presents and it was fun.... I got a sock monkey and a gift card to target and barnes and noble (both for twenty dollars) and a gift card to itunes for $15.... it was tons of fun and awesome!
After we watched juno and that was soooooo much fun!!! FOOD BABY!!!! :D haha it was a huge blast....
The next day we picked up my aunt from the airport and that was awesome! She's going to be up until january, so lots of time!!
The thanksgiving game was fun (though theres more to it than that) I saw Brooke again and that was tons of fun!! It's so weird being in the bandroom and not having her there! I can't believe it!!
So steph and I are all patched up (missunderstanding and prolonged grudges don't mix well) so the friend that uses me? yeah no more!
However the friend that treats me like shit, is a backstabber, and turned into a complete bitch after the school italy trip? Yeah just as bitchy as ever, if not more. She's treating brooke horribly too! I mean, honestly, how oblivious do you have to be to not realize it was my birthday on the ninteenth! I said it HUNDREDS OF TIMES through....idek how many sites....so thats ticking me off....along with everything else you've done (and yeah, I know you can read this).
So yeah...OH me has a new ipod now :) Ipod nano fourth generation 16gig green!!!! It is awesome :) I like it a lot :)

The rest of thanksgiving was awesome, and then the day after I saw new moon with my bestest friend ally and jules (and annie came along by default cuz ally was hanging at annie's house) and we made fun of it the entire time (well, annie complained about it the whole time but who cares). Then yesterday I saw it with stephanie and we were making jokes too....haha it was fun.... :)

Oh and I've got my semi dress (I've had it for a while, actually...since my aunt's wedding) and I tried it on and it looks amazing....I cant wait to wear it! And then I also found a great hairpiece to go with it at claire's (yes, yes, I know...) and it's a black headband that has 3 rows of rhinestones scattered around, and with my dark hair, it looks wonderful. I may just make a trip over and get it...

Oh and I got Leviathan by scott westerfeld and I am excited to read that :) and then I also the january copy of AP mag with gerard way on it....made me smile....haha

alright, that 7.5K isn't going to write itself....time to WRITE!!!!!!! :)

NaNo and Birthday!!

okay so it's been ages.... and I haven't written much.... I'm at 17,478 right now....and we're supposed to be at 26,667 but the end of today!

So yesterday I celebrated my sweet sixteen with the family on my mom's side...I got $100 from my grandfather (!!!), $50 from my aunt and this AMAZING gift wrapping job (to be shown below) and pj pants. Plus hand made cards from my twin cousins (that have glitter glue on them! Can't forget the sparkles!). From my grandmother I got my first diamond anything. A diamond bracelet that is freaking gorgious. It's 1/2 carot and positively wonderful. Perhaps a picture if I'm not feeling overly lazy...haha From Lory and Carl I got a $50 gift certificate to Amazon and my uncle Tony gave me $40. It was an awesome bday :)

Ugh sweet 16 is stressing me out...people dont get that the "well I dont know for sure" or the "I might be grounded, and so I might not be able to go" doesn't work when I'm over max capacity that my moms car will fit...so everyone who has been invited (all 6 of you) please give me a definite (Even though none of you are on lj...haha)....ugh if that one person gives me a definite yes or no...well....then I'm sad to say that my world will be easy to live in. Until then? Well....we've got us some problems!! So grace or robin, yes or no, kk?

But I shall sprint and ignore the fact that my mom lost my homework folder (which had the edits to my french paper in it. and I got an A- on it, and if we dont turn in edits, it's a lower grade rather htan a higher grade so I NEED those edits....fml)....

EDIT: as of 4:48PM I'm at 18,221 yay! :)

Nano: Day 4

alright, so I ended day 3 at 11,234/5,000/50,000 :D

And today? Well, I'm turning in early at 11,735/6,667/50,000....not the highest I've been ahead, but sure as heck is better than being behind!!

And wordwaring with paffle_waffle was awesome <3 I'll definitely look forward to it tomorrow!! :)



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